Recap: Garden of Shadows by Virginia Andrews, Part 8

Previously:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

At last, the final recap of Garden of Shadows! This is where all the good stuff happens of course. Like CHRISTOPHER arrives at Foxworth Hall. When he does, Corinne descends the stairs in slow motion , and he goes all starry-eyed and Olivia worries that he might realise they're brother and sister. Ha! Hahahahahaha. When Creepy Butler John Amos shows Christopher to his room (while he smiles goofily at Corinne), Olivia takes pains to remind Corinne that he is her UNCLE (not her BROTHER, you know). Corinne is all "how could I forget, we look so alike!" and I suddenly realise Corinne falls for Christopher probably because she loves herself so much.

So Christopher brings sunshine and joy into Foxworth Hall for the first time in years, everyone loves him, yada yada yada. Corinne hangs off him like a weed, and while Olivia is wary of her not treating him with the reverence of an UNCLE, she is glad they both seem happy. Ha. Hahahahahahha.

One morning Christopher approaches Olivia and explains how they understand each other's pain and now that he's lost a mother and she's lost her sons, they can be each other's surrogate mother/son. And he wants to be a "real brother" to Corinne. Ha. Hahahahahahhaa.

Creepy Butler John Amos, meanwhile, follows Christopher around creepily and watches him with razor sharp eyes like the creep he is. He warns Olivia that trouble is brewing because everyone loves Christopher so much, especially Corinne. Olivia is all "but they are INNOCENT" (we'll hear another mother say that again in the not too distant future), and Creepy Butler John Amos is like, Corinne puts too much effort into her appearance, she brushes her hair with 100 strokes in her bedroom!! 

Olivia is like hold up WTF dude you watch her in her room? And Creepy Butler John Amos gets flustered and tries to say he is only doing what he needs to do to protect the family. Uggggh.

But it gets better! Creepy Butler John Amos reveals he followed C&C to the lake and discovered them swimming in their UNDERWEAR which was OBSCENE and LEWD. Olivia is a little shocked but brushes it off as the exuberance of youth combined with the hot summer. She yells at Creepy Butler John Amos for being, well, creepy, and I want to cheer except we all know where this is heading.

Summer ends and Christopher goes off to college and Corinne goes to boarding school that is only an hour away from where he is and Olivia is so pleased with this happy coincidence. Ha. Hahahahahaha.

C&C come back for Christmas and there's a big party and everything is perfect and everyone is happy, except Creepy Butler John Amos, who is still creepy and suspicious and who Olivia decides is just jealous of Christopher. Then C&C both go back to school and Olivia is delighted that Christopher is doing amazingly in his medical studies and also that he regularly keeps in touch with Corinne, and even VISITS her. Ha. Hahahahhahha.

It's summer again and C&C return to light up Foxworth Hall. They're closer than ever and finally Olivia starts to be a bit worried, but mainly because she's afraid they'll realise they're BROTHER and SISTER. Ha. Hahahahhahaa.

Fast forward the next year and Christopher graduates valedictorian and Corinne graduates high school. They drive home together with Olivia and Malcolm, stopping for the night in Atlantic City. Malcolm gets excited about showing them the city but C&C are both mysteriously tired and insist Olivia and Malcolm go out without them. Ha. Hahahahahha.

Back at Foxworth Hall, Olivia lets C&C sleep in because they're both so tiiiired still. She opens Christopher's mail though because she CARES so much, and when she sees he's been accepted to Harvard Medical School she excitedly runs to his room to tell him. But he's not there. He's not in Corinne's room either. Suddenly, Olivia hears a noise from THE SWAN ROOM. She sneaks up and opens the door and sees C&C in bed, doing the nasty nasty.

Olivia freaks out and closes the door, and Creepy Butler John Amos is suddenly there and opens the door again and sees C&C doing the nasty nasty. Creepy Butler John Amos bursts out with, and I quote, "SINNERS! FORNICATORS!" Olivia tries to pull him away and he is all I TOLD YOU SO YOU STUPID WOMAN THE DEVIL HAS COME FOR YOOOOU.

The happy family reconvenes in Malcolm's library, and Corinne tells everyone that she is in love with Christopher and they're getting married. Malcolm accuses them of incest and sin and Corinne is all, "it's not incestuous!" because apparently she doesn't know the meaning of the word. Christopher then says they've been in love since the day they met as if THAT'S going to make it better. Malcolm yells at him and Corinne tries to defend him by saying it was SHE who pursued him, like THAT'S going to make it better. She says they want to stay at Foxworth Hall and have their children there and Malcolm is like YOUR CHILDREN WILL HAVE FORKED TAILS AND HOOFED FEED. He tells them to leave his house and his next words to his daughter are too good not to quote: "Beguiler, Delilah, deceitful, lustful creature, cunningly beautiful, evil thing." Coz it wouldn't be Malcolm without a heavy dose of misogyny. 

Christopher looks to Olivia for help, but she is angry because he betrayed her. You see, she thought he was hanging around for her and cared about her but REALLY it was all about Corinne. "All men are alike," Olivia thinks. Because she matches Malcolm's hate for the opposite sex spite for spite. What a pair these two make. Olivia reiterates that they have sinned against God and will "breed horror", and C&C turn and walk out the door.

Moments later Malcolm collapses and has a stroke. This renders him incapable of most speech and movement (and also with a constant smile on his face) and Olivia has full power for perhaps the first time in her life. They all pray a lot and as Malcolm improves she takes pleasure in having him wheeled into the library to see all the business decisions she's making, probably because she knows he hates it. And even though she loves having the power she somehow resents him more than ever because now she no longer has a strong, powerful husband.

One day he begs her to hire a private detective to see how C&C are doing, like actually begs with tears and all. Olivia agrees and when the first report from the detective reveals that C&C have produced another perfect, beautiful, intelligent, blonde C - that'd be Christopher Jr - Olivia insists it must be ANOTHER Christopher and Corinne. The detective insists it is the right pair - he had seen PICTURES after all - and reveals Corinne is pregnant again. Olivia comforts herself that this child will be "different", and decides not to tell Malcolm anything until that's confirmed. Of course we know the next child is Cathy, who is pretty and perfect, and later the twins, who are doubly perfect. So Olivia never tells Malcolm anything. He, meanwhile, wastes away, barely talking, hanging on by a thread in the hope of salvation for his past sins. Olivia, meanwhile, describes her world as gray once again, right down to her clothes.

Then Olivia receives a pink, perfumed letter from none other than Corinne, containing the story of Christopher's death and the poverty the family is on the verge of. Olivia is heartbroken, because she loved Christopher despite everything, and seeks comfort in Creepy Butler John Amos, who of course  insists that this is a message from God. Turns out it's his idea to lock the kids away, to "prevent them from infecting the world". Olivia mulls it over and though she longs to be a grandmother, she decides she can't allow herself to love the "devils spawn".

Olivia tells Malcolm Corinne is coming home, but decides never to tell him about the kids because he would love them like he couldn't help loving Corinne, his mother or Alicia (yes, it was LOVE, right, Olivia). She tells Corinne that he can't know because he won't accept her back.

Corinne and her kids arrive and we get the arrival scene from Flowers in the Attic told from Olivia's perspective. She longs to love and hold the children, especially Christopher and Cathy, who look just like Christopher Sr and Corinne, but she won't let herself and instead says the nasty thing she says. "But they're innocent children!" Corinne insists, and Olivia is all like "bitch please." As Corinne talks about how wonderful her kids are, Olivia closes her ears and hardens her heart, and as she leaves the room, she catches Christopher smiling at Cathy like she once saw Christopher Sr smiling at Corinne. She vows she won't be so blind again, and her transition into the evil grandmother we know and love to hate is complete.

And we're done! Thanks to anyone who has been reading these recaps! I hope you've enjoyed them. Next up is the book that started it all: Flowers in the Attic.

Recap: Garden of Shadows By Virginia Andrews, Part 7

Previously:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

I'm ba-ack, and so is Creepy John Amos. He comes to do the service for Mal's funeral, a grey and thunderous day as all funerals are in V.C. Andrews. Olivia blames herself for Mal's death and so does Malcolm, but Corinne also blames herself, and Creepy John Amos comforts her. Creepy John Amos suggests Mal died as punishment for Malcolm, because he didn't appreciate him enough. Malcolm, of course, hates Creepy John Amos, which only makes Olivia like him more. She asks him to stay on at Foxworth Hall, and that is how Creepy John Amos becomes Creepy Butler John Amos.

Malcolm isn't happy, but he's even angrier when he hears Joel is touring Europe with an orchestra instead of going back to school, because music is for sissies. Malcolm says he'll disown him and Joel has zero fucks left to give, so he bids farewell to his parents and is gone. Olivia is happy he is doing his own thing, and when he becomes successful in Europe she's super proud. Good thing she has Creepy Butler John Amos to quench the closest thing she's felt to happiness in years, as he warns her that "pride cometh before a fall." Such a delight, that man. Only he's right because the next telegram Olivia receives tells her Joel has been lost in an avalanche.

John Amos organises the memorial service because Olivia and Malcolm are both a mess, and when the day arrives it's gray and gloomy, natch. Malcolm refuses to attend and Olivia confronts him about it, but Malcolm is in denial and doesn't believe Joel is dead because they haven't found a body. Olivia goes without him and after the funeral, Malcolm stays hidden in his library, only letting Creepy Butler John Amos in to see him. And that is how Malcolm becomes a born again religious hypocrite.

Corinne is at home and sad about her brothers but she is young and pretty and this is V.C. Andrews so of course she just wants to get back to a normal life. But even Malcolm isn't talking to her because of his religious inner journey. Creepy Butler John Amos tells her she's being selfish and Olivia agrees. Creepy Butler John Amos then reveals how he's told Malcolm God has taken his male seed away from him as vengeance for his sins. No wonder Malcolm has become a hermit in his own home.

When he finally emerges from his "meditation" in the library, Malcolm looks older and uglier, but I guess he deserves it. He and Olivia get on better thanks to their mutual gloominess and non-stop praying. Meanwhile, Corinne "blossoms" into a beautiful young woman and knows it. She flirts with everyone, even Creepy Butler John Amos. 

Soon Malcolm receives a letter from Alicia, his dad's widow whom he raped, telling him she is poor and dying of breast cancer and begging him to take the now 17-year-old Christopher in and send him to medical school. Olivia thinks it's all part of God's plan and Creepy Butler John Amos agrees. Malcolm doesn't want to take Christopher in but it doesn't take much for Olivia to change his mind, which highlights how much their dynamic has changed. Olivia's got the POWAR now.

Next time: Christopher arrives and we are on the home stretch! 

Recap: Garden of Shadows By Virginia Andrews, Part 6

Previously:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

It's been awhile since I've recapped but I'm going full steam ahead now because I hope to get to Petals on the Wind before the movie comes out next month (which I am way too excited about! Petals is so crazy and entertaining).

Anyway, in my last recap I left off with the birth of Corinne. Being a perfect angel, baby Corinne slept through the night, and Olivia finally remembers Christopher, who she left without a second glance to go into fake labour the previous day. But there's no trace of him or Alicia, and Olivia is devastated and swears to never let the same thing happen with Corinne. Aha. Ahahahahaha.

So it's Christmas and Malcolm plans a big extravagant party in honour of Corinne, because he's only stingy with everyone else in his life. Talk quickly turns to Corinne's looks and Olivia's lack thereof, because these characters are nothing if not superficial. Olivia makes a biting remark about how Corinne will take after her by being strong and intelligent (ahahahahahaha) which shuts everyone up for five minutes. She spends the rest of the party making bitchy remarks to everyone and it's kind of awesome. Then of course Malcolm has to be Malcolm and has a go at Olivia for being so nasty, accusing her of being jealous of Corinne. But Olivia is having none of it and is all this is MY game now.

As Malcolm circulates the party with baby Corinne, little Mal comments that their father loves her more than the boys. This gives Olivia hope. HOPE. Because he shows perception, or something. And instead of comforting her son she tells him to suck it up. She tries to make up for their awful father by giving them heaps of attention, but is kind of happy when they go back to school because she can turn her attention back to Corinne. Sigh. Too bad for Olivia that Malcolm has ordered the nanny to not let her near Corinne. She also finds out that he's turning the bedroom adjacent to his into Corinne's nursery and it's all incredibly creepy.

Olivia confronts Malcolm when he gets home from work, and he tells her he doesn't want her near Corinne because she fucked up the two boys so badly. Olivia, trying to gain the upper hand, insists Mal and Joel get new rooms as well as Corinne, complete with pianos, and Malcolm is like, do what you want, I don't even care about them anymore. Poor Mal and Joel.

Of course, Olivia is almost as obsessed with Corinne as Malcolm is, because she's just so PRETTY. Corinne gets an English governess to teach her how to be a LADY, and Olivia tries to learn too which is hilarious. Olivia and Malcolm argue constantly about Corinne's upbringing, blah blah blah, then Corinne gets sent to boarding school at age 10 and Malcolm and Olivia are lonely and depressed and Malcolm starts sleeping around (well, even more than before), and Olivia turns to her cousin John Amos and religion.

When all three kids come home for the holidays, Olivia tells Mal and Joel to stop spoiling Corinne, because she uses and abuses them like everyone else in her life. She also warns them against letting Malcolm take control of their trust funds when they turn 18, coz he'll totally give all the money to Corinne.

So yeah, Corinne is really spoilt. One day Olivia is spying on her and Malcolm like the creeper she is, and Malcolm is just staring at Corinne like the creeper HE is, and he suddenly asks Corinne to stay with him FOREVER, and she'll inherit everything. She promises she will as long as she can have the SWAN ROOM. He refuses coz the room is TAINTED, so Olivia lets Corinne go in there when Malcolm isn't around. And spies on her through Malcolm's peephole. This is a functional household, clearly.

By this stage Corinne is 14 and she's soon telling Olivia she's a woman coz she got her period. She's excited and is all YAAAY ROMANCE LOVE KISSES, and Olivia is all BUT CRAMPS AND PAIN, but Corinne is all HAHA I'M PRETTY MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE PERFECT.

Then Mal comes along on a motorbike he's bought with his trust fund in direct defiance of his father. Olivia is horrified by the bike but proud he's disobeyed Malcolm. Corinne begs to go for a ride with him and Olivia thinks it's not how a LADY behaves, but agrees to let them do a lap around the driveway. As they ride off Malcolm comes out and he and Olivia start arguing as per usual, when Corinne comes racing back totally distressed. Turns out after Mal dropped her off at the end of the driveway, he lost control of the bike and died. Olivia is distraught, and Malcolm hints at blaming her. So business as usual at the Foxworth's.

Next time: John Amos' shadow looms large over Foxworth Hall.

Recap: Garden of Shadows by Virginia Andrews, Part 5

Catch up:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Olivia confronts Malcolm about him raping and impregnating Alicia, and he takes the opportunity to tell her how she's failed him as a wife by not providing a big family, including a daughter. He also says he didn't rape Alicia, but she SEDUCED him because of course. He adds that it's partially Olivia's fault too because she's not woman enough for him, and Olivia is all "you mean I don't look enough like your mother for you?!" BURN.

Olivia outlines her conditions for the plan (Malcolm can't go near Alicia, once Alicia has had the baby she's to be sent away WITH all her money, Mal and Joel are to go to school and have one million dollar trust funds to give them independence from Malcolm, oh and Malcolm is going to hell), and she feels powerful over him which you can't help but cheer on.

Olivia tells Mal, Joel and Christopher that Alicia has to go away, and like the emotional manipulator she is, makes sure they know it is Malcolm who is to blame. Alicia pretends to leave, and all of the servants actually leave, having been fired because that doesn't make it seem suspicious AT ALL. When Alicia sneaks back in she accuses Olivia of enjoying the whole situation, and Olivia acts all offended even though it's totally true.

As Olivia helps Alicia settle in to her... confinement... she warns her how vulnerable she'll be in the attic room. Because that's how you help a rape victim. She makes Alicia cut her hair so that she'll be unattractive to Malcolm and therefore safe. Because a woman having long hair causes her to be raped.

The weeks pass and Alicia becomes depressed and ugly and compares herself to a dried up flower. FORESHADOWING. She misses Christopher but Olivia DGAF because he is one of the few people who actually likes her and she's happy to have him all to herself. Alicia basically cracks under the pressure and begins to act out fantasies that she's outside, with Christopher. It creeps Olivia out but she's most freaked out by the fact that all the pretending makes Alicia pretty again. She worries that Malcolm will secretly visit Alicia at night.

Olivia thinks she hears Malcolm sneaking around the corridors, and plans to catch him in Alicia's bed by sneaking through the attic entrance. But when she's in the attic, the light goes out and she thinks she hears rats and then she freaks out when she runs into an old dress form and thinks it's a person, and she bumps into everything as she tries to feel her way out of there. She makes it out and vows never to go in the attic again. Something her grandchildren would come to be grateful for. Like the sane person she is, she also decides that her bad experience in the attic was the "house protecting its own". Uh-huh. The next day she asks Malcolm if he's been creeping about but of course he denies it.

At Thanksgiving Olivia announces to the children that she's having a baby (she's been wearing cushions as a pregnant belly), and Malcolm gets all pissy because it was HIS news to announce, dammit. Christopher gets upset because he doesn't want to lose "another mommy". Awww. Alicia pretends like Olivia really is pregnant when she sees her, and soon Olivia feels as though there is something moving in her, and she thinks maybe it's God or something because she's doing his work. OK crazy.

A few weeks later Olivia is putting up the Christmas tree when she hears a scream from upstairs. She goes to yell at Alicia for making so much noise and discovers her in labour. Malcolm comes in and says HE'S in charge now, and dismisses Olivia to her room to "give birth". Olivia lies in her room for 12 hours screaming in "pain" while Alicia, actually in pain, has to remain silent as she actually gives birth. At dawn Malcolm comes into Olivia's room with the baby, all wrapped in pink, because of course it's a girl. And she is the most beautiful newborn in the history of history. Because looks are the most important thing, Olivia decides she can love this baby as her own. Malcolm gets all creepy (a.k.a. his usual self) and comments that it's how his mother must have looked as a baby, and that he's naming his daughter Corinne after his mum who he has a weird sexual obsession with. Olivia is naturally shocked and Malcolm explains that the name is to remind him that he can't trust this little girl because she will be a beautiful woman with beguiling ways. Poor Corinne never stood a chance.

Next time: Corinne grows up.

Recap: Garden of Shadows by Virginia Andrews, Part 4

Catch up:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

I'm ba-ack. We left off with Malcolm treating Alicia like crap because she rejected his creepy advances, and pick up months later with not much changed. Malcolm is being meaner to everyone, especially Mal, who loves sissy stuff like music. One day he comes  home to find Mal playing piano with Alicia, even though he has forbidden it, and while Alicia protests, he drags Mal off to be punished (read: beaten). This upsets Alicia, which makes Olivia happy, because she wants her to hate Malcolm so she doesn't respond to his "amorous approaches", coz she totally would otherwise.

Soon Christopher turns three and Garland and Alicia throw a big party, which makes Malcolm totally jealous. Malcolm has daddy issues as well as mummy issues. But his mummy issues win out when Alicia looks all pretty at the party and he can't stop looking at her. Seriously, he just sits there staring at her the whole time. Not creepy at all. 

Later that day, as Olivia is heading to bed after everyone else, she hears a scream from the SWAN ROOM and runs in to find Garland crumpled on the floor, Alicia screaming in half-torn clothes, and Malcolm with a scratch down his face. The doctor is called and pronounces Garland dead from a heart attack. Alicia is understandably distraught, and when Olivia later tucks her into bed she demands to know what happened. Alicia reveals that she thought Garland was coming in to see her in bed, but it turned out to be Malcolm. Olivia says, "what did he want?" Because apparently now she is really stupid. Alicia says, "he wanted me". Surprise!

Malcolm told Alicia that Garland was too old to satisfy her and he could, and it was totally OK because he was Garland's son. Gross. Alicia of course tried to fight him off and managed a scream, which caused Garland to run into the room and see his son attacking his wife. Garland and Malcolm had a fight that ended with the former collapsed on the floor, and Olivia is all up to date. She goes to confront Malcolm, who blames everything on Alicia because he is The Worst. Olivia feels bad for him because she thinks he'll fell guilty for the rest of his life. She's in for some unpleasant surprises...

There's a big funeral and Alicia is a drugged-out mess, so Olivia takes care of her, and feels like she's welcoming her into her own miserable world. Just the type of person to help you through grief. Malcolm goes back to ignoring Alicia's existence, which is apparently really easy to do because she walks around "like a ghost" with, gasp, no makeup on! Her depression soon gets on Olivia's nerves, because Olivia is quickly joining Malcolm as The Worst, so she gives Alicia a stern talking to and tells her to start being a mother again and setting a good example to her son. This lecture works too well for Olivia's liking, because at dinner Alicia comes down with makeup and jewellery on and Malcolm starts talking to her again because he is actually The Worst. 

Alicia, not ready to leave Foxworth Hall yet despite Olivia's urging, is nice to Malcolm because she reasons he must feel guilty. She is literally too nice for her own good. Malcolm soon takes the opportunity to rape her repeatedly and it is awful. Olivia discovers the truth when she finds Alicia crying in bed, and is told that Malcolm has been forcing himself on her for weeks, calling her his mother's name - Corinne - and threatening to hurt her son if she told anyone. It is sickening to read about. 

Olivia blames Alicia for being "too trusting and innocent", because this wouldn't be a V.C. Andrews novel without a heavy dose of victim-blaming. She thinks she must have enjoyed it in some way, and asks Alicia what she did to "tempt" Malcolm and I want to throw the book across the room again. Alicia is really upset and confesses that she's telling Olivia the truth now because she "has to" - she's pregnant. Olivia is pissed off and judges Alicia for being so weak and crying. She gets even more pissed off when Alicia reveals she went to Malcolm's room earlier to tell him she was pregnant, because Olivia has never been to his room while he was in bed, so how dare she?! Ugh. 

Alicia then tells Olivia that Malcolm wants her to have the baby in secret, so he can raise it with Olivia - and that if she does what he wants, she'll get to leave with Christopher and her inheritance, but if she doesn't, he will drive her out penniless. He just keeps getting better and better (by which I mean WORSE AND WORSE). Malcolm is convinced Alicia is pregnant with a girl and Olivia agrees it must be the case because he always gets what he wants. She admits to herself she should have helped and protected Alicia more, but then decides she has no respect for her, and while she ENVIES her she has no sympathy for her. Olivia, I have no sympathy for you. 

Olivia contemplates herself in the mirror and we get the description Cathy will later give: a mouth like a "thin, crooked, knife slash" and breasts like "twin hills of concrete". Because that's totally the way people describe boobs, especially their own. Olivia then realises she's kinda happy because she sees an opportunity for power over Malcolm. She takes charge, telling Alicia she will pretend to go away while Christopher stays at Foxworth Hall, and then will sneak back in to be shut away in a certain room that connects to an attic. Olivia, meanwhile, will pretend to be pregnant herself while bringing food up to Alicia every day. Something is very familiar about this scenario...

Next time: Olivia's plan is set in motion.

Recap: Garden of Shadows By Virginia Andrews, Part 3

Read Part 1.
Read Part 2.

Malcolm's father Garland arrives at Foxworth Hall after three years of travelling Europe with his 19-year-old wife Alicia. Soooo that means she was 16 when they married. And Garland was 55. Alicia later explains that she's actually known Garland since she was six - he was a friend of her father's - and he began taking her for walks and kissing her ("NOT a peck on the cheek", if ya know what I mean) when she was 14. But it's OK, they were in LOVE. It wasn't an unequal dynamic AT ALL. Especially not because Alicia's family was basically dependent on Garland for their welfare (her dad couldn't work and G helped him out). Yep. It's not squicky at all.

 BRB I need to take a bath I feel really dirty.

OK I'm back. So the two couples finally meet and Olivia gets a shock at how young Alicia is, Malcolm gets a shock when he sees she's heavily pregnant, and Garland and Alicia get shocks when they find out Malcolm is married with two children. Apparently he didn't think it was important enough to tell his own father.

Fast forward to dinnertime and Garland and Alicia are really affectionate and Alicia doesn't have fine manners (she talks and giggles a lot and eats with her mouth open!) which quite shocks Olivia's sensibilities, and she expects Malcolm to snap at any minute, but (un)surprisingly he seems quite taken with Alicia. He's nicer to her than he ever is to his own wife. Olivia is already incredibly jealous of Alicia's beauty, tiny hands and peaches and cream complexion (add that to the drinking game), so Malcolm's behaviour doesn't exactly help. Nor does the love and passion Alicia and Garland so openly exhibit - she's offended but also at the same time really envious that she's never experienced that herself. There's a moment when Olivia stands outside their bedroom door listening to them laugh together that is really very sad. I feel bad for her.

Then she goes and fantasises about Alicia having a miscarriage. Seriously, Olivia?

Of course, she's not so petty as to wish the baby didn't exist because of money - she's not like Malcolm! - no, she wants the baby dead because it might be better looking than her own children.

Let me repeat that. She fantasises about the death of an unborn baby because it might be better looking than her kids.

And there goes a lot of my sympathy for Olivia. OK she is a victim of abuse and probably pretty traumatised by this point, but I don't think that justifies wishing for the death of an infant, especially for such an absurd reason. And she doesn't just wish for it, she actually attempts to make it happen. She suggests Alicia explore the attic, taking her through THE room and telling her to go up the stairs. The light doesn't work because OLIVIA UNSCREWED IT EARLIER and Olivia basically shoves her in before closing the door after her. But she warns her that it's probably not a good idea before she disappears to the other side of the house where she won't be able to hear any screams, so therefore if anything happens she isn't to blame because she DID try to tell her. She goes off to read but poor Olivia can't concentrate  because all she can think about is Alicia tripping and falling and, I quote, "perhaps banging her head against one of those trunks or armoires, and lying there in the throes of a miscarriage." Oh, Olivia.

Unfortunately for our heroine Alicia is just fine. When Malcolm and Garland get home from work, they rush up to the attic after finding out that's where she is, and discover her trying on the dresses of Sluttiest Slut Who Ever Slutted, a.k.a. Malcolm's mother Corinne. Garland laughs it off but Malcolm just gets a daydreamy look in his eyes. Uh-oh...

Two weeks later, much to Olivia's annoyance, Alicia gives birth to a beautiful, peaceful, almost supernaturally aware baby boy, named Christopher Garland. Garland, being an actual nice father and husband, spends more time at home with Alicia and the baby, which annoys Olivia because she is "forced to witness their love". Like the daily afternoon delights they partake of. Olivia doesn't understand how anyone could be so "hot-blooded", so one day she eavesdrops on them and hears Alicia's multiple orgasms and Garland's begging for reassurance that he's not an old man (HAWT). That's all it takes to get Olivia hooked, and soon listening to (and imagining) their sexytimes becomes the highlight of her day. One day she even watches them do it by the lake, and then goes back to her room and cries for an hour because she feels so cheated. OK I am beginning to feel really sad for her again, miscarriage incident notwithstanding.

Later that night Malcolm tells Olivia his father has revealed his plans for his will: the house and business are all Malcolm's, but Alicia and Christopher are to get five million dollars between them, with Malcolm as administrator. He doesn't trust his father and asks Olivia to tell him if Alicia reveals any secrets about money or inheritances. She is shocked he wants him to spy and he makes a snarky quip about how she already spies on them. Oops.

Soon the focus is on Malcolm's issues again, as his Oedipal complex rears its ugly head when Alicia decides it would be a great idea to move into the SWAN ROOM and not change a thing from when her husband's first wife lived there. It comes out that Malcolm blames Garland for Corinne leaving, and Garland blames Malcolm. Healthy family relationships right there.

Malcolm also mentions in passing how disgusting things are happening in the SWAN ROOM and Olivia, curious as to how he knows this, and probably wanting to revive her own spying, goes to check out Malcolm's trophy room, which is next to the SWAN ROOM. She discovers a hidden peephole that was "perhaps dugout by a five-year-old boy" and it seems even as a child Malcolm was a pervy lech. And we get this quote from Olivia, on not telling Malcolm what she's discovered: "what would be far worse would be my own embarrassment in letting him know that I knew he was more interested in his father's and Alicia's lovemaking than he was in our own."

Olivia starts to suspect Malcolm has a thing for Alicia (you think?!) and one day, to get to the bottom of things, she follows him as he follows Alicia down to the lake. She hides in the bushes and sees Malcolm being a really pervy lech by taking off his clothes and threatening to get in the water, where Alicia, in her underwear, is yelling at him to stay away. Turns out he frequently makes passes at her, which shocks Olivia and no one else. Alicia manages to run away, threatening to tell Garland if it ever happens again (she hasn't before now because she doesn't want to upset him). Malcolm follows after her a little while later, muttering to himself about sluts and revenge like a cartoon villain. He then proceeds to insult or ignore Alicia all the time, and Olivia almost feels bad for her, except she's mad at her for being so "beautiful and tempting" and I am feeling ragey. She takes delight as Alicia becomes more depressed and there goes all my sympathy again. Olivia is slightly redeemed when she admits to regretting such selfish emotions in hindsight, because they brought "demons" into her house. But only slightly.

Next time: Malcolm becomes even Worse as the Worst of the Worst.

Recap: Garden of Shadows By Virginia Andrews, Part 2

Read Part 1 here. 
Read my (rather confused) thoughts on enjoying problematic things like theses books here. Thanks to everyone who commented on this, by the way. I think upon reflection what it boils down to is that these books are larger-than-life fantasy - they are gothic horror/fairy tales, and enjoying them doesn't hurt others. As long as the snark sticks to the way in which the books handle the subject matter, not the subject matter itself, it can actually be a good thing. I think. Anyway, on with the recap...

Olivia, having woken up the day after her wedding to an absent husband and an in tact V-Card, descends the grand staircase to meet her servants, picturing herself as an Amazonian Queen instead of a hag for once. She gives the servants sass to show how important she is. Then she realises they know more about her husband than she does and she's back to feeling lonely and hag-like once again. 

To pass the time, she decides to explore the place that is now her home. She finds herself drawn to Malcolm's mother's room, of the infamous SWAN BED, and is shocked by how opulent and pink and mauve it all is. She wonders if this is the kind of woman Malcolm wants her to be - all sensual and pretty and stuff - because you should totally get ideas on what your husband wants in the bedroom from his mother's.

Turns out she's pretty accurate though because Malcolm catches her on the SWAN BED and gets mad before revealing his mother didn't actually die, as Olivia previously believed, but abandoned him when he was five to run off with her lover because she was beautiful and therefore stupid and also the Sluttiest Slut Who Ever Slutted (actually the word he used was "harlot" but that's what he really meant). He admits he married Olivia because she would never abandon him because remember she looks like this:

Then Malcolm rapes Olivia on his mother's bed while crying out his mother's name. I forgot how much sexual assualt there is in these books. It is really horrible.

Olivia cries herself to sleep in her own bed while deciding she will be the best wife she can be, and it's heartbreaking. The next day both she and Malcolm act like nothing happened, and Malcolm announces they're going to have a party the following night to celebrate their wedding. Olivia is frozen out of the preparations and decides to wander the house again. This time she comes across THE room adjoining the attic and immediately thinks "this would be the perfect place to hide someone away". As you do. And she goes up to the attic so clearly her claustrophia hasn't hit yet, although she does rush out of there when she has a flashback to being locked in a closet by her mother when she was a kid. It's a bit of a surprise because so far she's mentioned nothing but positive things about her mum. I can't remember if this is explored further later on - I guess I'll find out soon!

The next evening Olivia is excited about the party but that lasts all of five minutes because all the women are tiny and pretty (and obviously stupid) and wearing dresses that are ABOVE THE KNEE. And everyone is bored of her and makes fun of her behind her back but she can totally hear them. Malcolm of course acts as a husband should by ignoring his wife and licking food off other women's fingers, and then disappearing into the library with one of them and coming out very rumpled.

Olivia is understandably incredibly hurt and goes to bed to cry herself to sleep. Sweet, sensitive Malcolm chooses this moment to come into her room naked, command her to give him a son, and rape her once again. It is really, really awful. When Olivia tries to get him to say or do something nice he says that that mushy stuff is for harlots and sluts like his mother and he doesn't want to hear about it ever again.

Nine months and two weeks later Olivia gives birth to a son, Malcolm Jr a.k.a. Mal. Her husband is so satisfied he proceeds to basically ignore his son. Then Olivia gets pregnant again because Malcolm wants a girl, but she has a really tough pregnancy and then has the nerve to give birth to ANOTHER boy who is also sickly and Malcolm takes it as a personal affront. To rub salt into his wounds the doctor says she won't be able to have any more kids, which Malcolm won't accept because he wants a girl and he always gets what he wants.

The years go by with Olivia doting on her sons and Malcolm ignoring one and openly hating the other. One day she gets a telegram saying her father has died, but Malcolm won't let her go to the funeral because it's not right for a woman to leave her children for even one night and I threw the book across the room in anger.

He finally lets her go but she's five hours too late and all that's left is to learn the conditions of her father's will, in which she realises he knew how awful Malcolm was because he made sure he wouldn't get any of her money. She also reveals all her heartbreak to her creepy cousin John Amos and a beautiful friendship is born.

Back at home, Malcolm drops the bombshell that his dad is moving back into Foxworth Hall with his new wife. Olivia expects that this means she and Malcolm will get their own home with their kids, and Malcolm laughs it off. Because nothing can go wrong in this scenario.

And by now my heart has completely broken for Olivia and I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the abuse. Malcolm is frontrunner for my just-invented Worst of the Worst Men Of VC Andrews Award. And that's saying something.

Next time: Malcolm finds a new mother to obsess over.

Talking Point: On V.C. Andrews And Enjoying Problematic Things

I've got my next Garden of Shadows recap ready to go but something has been playing on my mind today which I wanted to get out there before I continue with that little project. This post is very much me trying to clear my own head and figure things out for myself, so hopefully it makes sense. I'd really like to start a discussion and get everyone's opinions on the matter.

As I get older and learn more about the world, and notably spend more time on social justice hubs like Tumblr and Twitter, I become more aware of the problematic aspects of a lot of pop culture. It can make it really hard to enjoy sometimes, but I think it' important to be sensitive to these issues.

Take Flowers in the Attic. Having loved the books as a kid, I excitedly watched the movie and live-tweeted my snark. It was a lot of fun. I didn't make any direct jokes about incest - but many did. This was triggering for some people, as author C.J. Redwine eloquently writes here. Her post really made me think and is the main reason I'm writing this post. I could completely understand her point, and that this kind of abuse is no laughing matter.

It got me wondering about Flowers in the Attic, V.C. Andrews and indeed pop culture as a whole. If jokes about incest and abuse are bad, does it make it wrong to enjoy movies and books that feature them? V.C. Andrews' bread and butter is incest and abuse. The plots are wrong on so many levels and yet I - and many others - love (or perhaps more accurately, love to hate) these stories. I wouldn't say they glorify abuse, but they perhaps sensationalise it. These are by no means serious reads - you go to them when you want something trashy and fun - and yet they are about very serious subjects. Sure, they can still be very emotionally affecting and horrifying, but the melodramatic nature in which they're written and the over-the-top characters definitely lend themselves to the snark that colours many people's reactions. Including my own.

So. As I said I loved the Flowers in the Attic movie and have really enjoyed revisiting the books and recapping them. But I in no way want to make light of the subject matter or suggest it's something to make fun of. Some truly awful things happen in these books. And they're awful to read about. In the recap I've got in my drafts at the moment (which I wrote yesterday), I talk about how horrific it is to read about Olivia being raped. But reconsidering it in the light of Redwine's post made me really question the fact that I enjoy these books nonetheless! Obviously I am far from the only one who likes them, so they must appeal to something in many of us. I'm just not sure it's necessarily the best part of human nature.

On the other hand, perhaps these stories of abuse can allow people to empathise and understand such issues in ways they wouldn't otherwise. They certainly reflect the very nasty effects of abuse, as well as things like gender inequality. I know my own reaction is always very much along the lines of "this is awful, this is wrong, these people are the worst!", and perhaps in a way such pop culture is compelling because it allows us to more clearly define and communicate what IS problematic. There is something cathartic about reading these stories, exploring what is dangerous, taboo and scary from the safety of a book. BUT I say this as someone who has been fortunate enough to have never suffered abuse of any kind. So I wonder what effect these stories have on survivors of abuse. I would hate for my catharsis or especially my entertainment to come from something that hurts others.

So basically I'm confused and unsure and questioning a lot of things and I'd really like to talk about it with all the crazily smart and sensitive people who I am lucky enough to have read my blog.

Let me know what you think.

Recap: Garden of Shadows by Virginia Andrews, Part 1

Yes, I am rereading the series that destroyed my innocence taught me everything I know about sex entertained me so as an 11-year-old. Watching the new Lifetime movie (which was amazeballs BTW) made me really want to revisit the books, and I'm starting with prequel because I like chronology. I thought I'd try recapping rather than reviewing, so here we go...

This is not the cover I own but it is the only cover that matters.

We begin with the prologue (derrr), which is an "addendum" to Olivia "The Grandmother" Winfield Foxworth's will, throwing serious subliminal shade at Cathy for "publishing" all their sordid secrets in Flowers in the Attic and forcing her to have to tell her side of the story. I like sassy Olivia.

Like Cathy, Olivia opens her tale by talking about colour - for her, her whole life was gray. She wanted to have a life like the colourful, beautiful family in her glass-encased dollhouse, but alas she couldn't. You see, she was Ugly. Not just Ugly, but TALL with BIG BOOBS. This meant she was an old maid at 24. I kid you not, she describes herself as a spinster. Her dad is constantly trying to marry her off, but his attempts are fruitless because she basically looks like this:

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But even that might be acceptable if she didn't have the nerve to be smart and believe women have the right to vote and - get this - actually speak her opinions out loud. Outrageous! Her dad criticises her for challenging "the most treasured of manly privileges" and I popped a blood vessel in my eye. But then he actually does some nice things like put her through college, give her a job and put conditions on his will so that her inheritance is hers alone, to prevent men from wanting to marry her for money. Enter Malcolm Neal Foxworth, who gives her a funny feeling in her lady bits with his cerulean blue eyes (get ready to hear that description a lot) and a face so perfect the sun shines out of it. Also he is taller than her.

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Maxwell manages to make Olivia fall in love with him in a matter of days because she is so desperate to be loved, and he does extraordinary things like talk to her and listen to her and say how glad he is that she's intelligent because he can't stand beautiful girls. Coz they're stupid. But Olivia isn't coz remember she looks like this:

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So Malcolm asks her to marry him because he is ambitious and wants a wife who is smart and can help with business and stuff, and Olivia is overjoyed even though they haven't even kissed yet and he's never mentioned he loves her, because somebody - somebody really really good-looking - actually wants her. The wedding is rushed because Malcolm is impatient to get on with it and only Olivia's dad, aunt and her creepy 18-year-old cousin John Amos attend (Olivia's mum died when she was a teen and Malcolm doesn't give a fuck about his family). Olivia is excited to finally get a smooch and Malcolm disappoints her with peck that's drier than white dog poo. C'mon Mal, I know she's a hag but you could at least slip the tongue in for a few seconds! Olivia thinks he must just be shy and I'm beginning to doubt how intelligent she actually is, even if she is really fug.

The newlyweds travel straight to Foxworth Hall overnight and Olivia is relieved at not having to consummate the marriage right away because the idea of dirty relations freaks her out. But when they get to Foxworth Hall in time to go to bed for a few hours, she is dismayed to find her devoted husband won't be sharing her bedroom. Turns out she wouldn't mind trying some dirty relations at least this once. She gets all gussied up in her new dressing gown with a SCANDALOUS v-neck anyway, thinking he will come visiting and just didn't want to admit it in front of the German housemaid. But by the time morning comes said housemaid is the only person who greets her, with a judgmental look at her trashy outfit. Dear Mal has already left for the day and poor Olivia couldn't even get the D on her wedding night. Because remember she looks like this:

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For real I actually feel bad for her right now.

Next time: Olivia settles in to life at Foxworth Hall and actually gets to know the man she has married beyond his cerulean blue eyes.

P.S. Let me know in the comments if you like the recap style or if it makes you feel like Malcolm when he kisses his wife.

Friday Link Dump: Men In Glasses, Shakespeare Rumours And Karl Stefanovic Fan Fiction

-Here's how Tumblr helped one person become a better (and published) writer. (Publisher's Weekly)

-Why YA deserves more recognition in mainstream media. (Kill Your Darlings)

-The Flowers in the Attic movie hasn't even aired yet, but Lifetime is already developing a sequel. And I am excited. (EW)

-Book Riot has some suggestions of activities you can do while listening to an audiobook. (Book Riot)

-Here are some entertaining and probably untrue rumours about Shakespeare. (Mental Floss)

-The Twitter trailer for the new Muppets movie is #amazeballs. Can't wait to see it. (YouTube)

-If you're attracted to men in glasses, this Tumblr is for you. (Tumblr)

-This Snickers bar slice has me drooooling. (Style Me Pretty)

-Hello Giggles addresses the question of why women (and men) prefer male bosses. (Hello Giggles)

-BuzzFeed stuff: How to create a good cheese platter; Great movies you may have missed in 2013; All of the BSC cover outfits ranked; What Are You Afraid of the Dark might be like if it was on now; This Alexander Skarsgard meme is the best ever; The best of the internet's reaction to Cory Bernardi; The adorable exchange between the CSIRO and a little girl who just wants a dragon; and the best moments from the Karl Stefanovic fan fiction you will never be able to unsee.

Friday Link Dump: Flowers in the Attic, Fairy Bread Cake and Feminism in Game of Thrones

-The teaser for the upcoming adaptation of Flowers in the Attic is here and it looks terribly good. (BuzzFeed)

-The Divergent trailer is also here and Theo James looks spunky but the whole thing is rather underwhelming. Although I'm not a big fan of the book. (YouTube)

-How strong female characters come at the expense of women. (Zero at the Bone)

-On feminism in Game of Thrones. I totally agree with this article. (Melicious)

-Amazon has launched a Kindle store for Australia, which sounds exciting, but doesn't appear that different to what we already had access to. (Lifehacker)

-Apparently there is a 10 Things I Hate About You spin-off in the works. I am concerned. (ASOS)

-So I finally started watching Misfits this week and I am completely obssessed and OMG I have so many FEELS and this is my new favourite Tumblr (season two spoiler alert!). (Tumblr)

-This story of what happened when a war veteran died with nobody to attend his funeral gave me goosebumps. (BuzzFeed)

-Pug puppies are possibly my favourite thing in the world. (BuzzFeed)

-The parents behind Dinovember are THE BEST EVER. (BuzzFeed)

-These toys are completely horrific and bad ideas all round. Also hilarious. (Distractify)

-Here is why you are so addicted to Candy Crush, as explained by psychologists and the designers of the game. Also: did you know they made Level 65 easier after people complained about how hard it was? (Time)

-Nick Offerman's latest Movember ad is the greatest thing you'll watch all week. Or ever. (YouTube)

-Closely followed by this seal pup freaking out about getting into water. I didn't know seals sounded like that. (YouTube)

-This fairy bread cake looks amazeballs. I want someone to make it for me so I can look at it and love it and probably eat a lot of it. (Spicy Icecream)

Friday Link Dump: Flowers in the Attic, Adorable Dogs and Nutella

-The big news in the YA book world this week was the release of the Vampire Academy: Blood Sisters teaser trailer. (Yahoo!) If that isn't enough for you, here are some stills (Weebly), and here are author Richelle Mead's thoughts on the teaser (Dhampir Life). All I want to know is, why the hell is Dimitri wearing granny knickers?!

-There is a Nutella recipe book. I want to go to there. (Book Depository)

-I totally want this gorgeous book of illustrations of famous literary heroines. (Refinery 29)

-Even Stephenie Meyer is sick of Twilight. Really. (Variety)

-Cuddlebuggery created some memes about the woes of being a Big Book Blogger. Lulz. (Cuddlebuggery)

-The book isn't always better than the movie - at least according to the authors who wrote these ones. (Cracked)

-If you haven't seen the OCD poetry performance that's been doing the rounds, go watch it. Now. (YouTube)

-This is what Teen Wolf looks like to a Tumblr user who hasn't actually seen the show. Spoiler: It's hilarious. (Hypable)

-The history and magazine nerds inside me are both very happy with this post about the first issues of famous mags. (Mental Floss)

-People who think The Onion articles are true are silly. And hilarious. (Thought Catalog)

-The Toast had a Flowers in the Attic day and it was amazing. They interviewed editor Ann Patty, who also wrote her own account of how the book came to be. They also published some fan art and this insightful piece on "disability horror" - coz V.C. Andrews is about more than incest. Ahem. (The Toast)

-In other V.C. Andrews news, Kiernan Shipka (a.k.a. Sally Draper) has been cast as Cathy in the upcoming Flowers in the Attic movie and I don't know how to feel about this. (Deadline)
 
-Hypable lists their fave Shakespeare movie adaptations. I like that 10 Things I Hate About You made the list. (Hypable)

-I've been reading Tales of the Macabre by Edgar Allen Poe this week and it made me curious about how accurate The Following is in its portrayal of Poe. Apparently not very. (Vulture)

-The 10 types of writers you probably resent. (The Toast)

-I can't decide whether to laugh or cry at these emoji versions of famous artworks. Laugh. It's laugh. (Tumblr)

-I am really excited to watch A.C.O.D. Although it will be odd to see Amy Poehler play Adam Scott's step-mother. But awesome. (Yahoo!)

-The trailer for Cory Monteith's last movie, McCanick, looks great but it's incredibly haunting. It makes me wonder if playing a drug addict triggered his own addiction. So sad. (YouTube)

-GQ lists the key horror movies to watch this year. Although their definition of horror is quite loose. (GQ)

-Tina Fey is working on another TV show and it's the best news I've heard all week. (AV Club)

-Do you ever browse the web and find yourself thinking, "if only every single photo on this page was Ryan Gosling"? No? Well, there's an app for that anyway. (Hey Girl)

-Take this hearing test to see how good your ears are. Mine are "under 40". Yikes. (YouTube)

-These dogs are cat people and although I am not cat people I am all for interspecies friendships. I am also all for dogs who sometimes forget how to be dogs and get themselves into hilarious positions. But most of all I am for dogs who are really excited about being dogs. (BuzzFeed)

-Meanwhile this dog knows how to play with himself (get your mind out of the gutter!). (YouTube)

-I love seeing pictures of Marilyn Monroe that I haven't come across before. Like these. (Vintage Everyday)

Pash, Pick or Pass: V.C. Andrews, a.k.a. The Best of the Worst

Time to play Pash, Pick or Pass - a game where we pick from a random book trio and say who we'd pash (and dash), who we'd pick for a relationship and who we'd pass on all together.


The Contenders
This week, for a bit of craziness fun, I'm going back to my tween reading years and revisiting some of V.C. Andrews' heroes (I use the term loosely). For pictures, I'm using the actors I imagined when I first read the books (yep, I've always done the "casting" thing, and yep, I remember who I pictured, probably because it kinda tainted the actors for a long time for me).

Christopher "I accidentally forced myself on you" Dollanganger from the Dollanganger series

Notable Quote: "As the man, and the head of this family, let it be known hitherto that I am to be waited on hand and foot - the same as a king. Wife, as my inferior, and my slave, set the table, dish out the food, make ready for your lord and master." - Flowers in the Attic

Jimmy "Thank god you're not my sister coz now we can bone" Longchamp from the Cutler series

Notable Quote: "I used to wish you weren't my sister... I thought you were so pretty, I wished you could be my girlfriend. You were always after me to choose this friend of yours or that to be my girlfriend, but I didn't want anybody else but you." - Dawn

 Arden "If you loved me you'd bang me" Lowe from My Sweet Audrina
Notable Quote: OK, so sadly I don't own My Sweet Audrina and couldn't find any quotes on the interwebz, so this paraphrasing comes courtesy of Forever Young Adult, but it pretty much sums up Arden... “Well, I didn’t do it before now because you seem not to enjoy it when I ram my half-flaccid dick into your dry vagina.”

My Choices

After writing out our boys' profiles and actually thinking this through, I gotta say I'm kicking myself for making these three the options this week. Why did I do this?! It seemed like a good (read: hilarious) idea at the time. But actually contemplating any of these three as anything but pass-worthy? Blerck. OK, I'll do my best. Please don't judge me. I don't actually want to pash or pick any of them, and never would unless perhaps my life depended on it. Which they might enjoy, coz they all have kinda rapey tendencies.

Pash: Oh god oh god oh god... um... Christopher. I guess. Because he's pretty. And has a sorta justifiable reason for being so messed up, what with the emotional and physical abuse and all. Not that it excuses any of his nasty/weird/creepy actions. But comparatively speaking (I'm looking at you, Arden Lowe), he's alright.

Pick: Oh god oh dear oh this is so gross... er... Jimmy. He's sort of sweet, if you ignore the fact that he lusted after his sister, who might have turned out to not be his sister, but who he STILL THOUGHT WAS HIS SISTER. But I wouldn't be his sister, so maybe it'd be OK. Although it also means he probably wouldn't be interested in me. Whatevs.

Pass: ARDEN LOWE. Phew, that was an easy one. He may not have had incestuous feelings like the other two, but he is just such a douche. Some douchey highlights include the time he watched Audrina being gang-raped and DID NOTHING ABOUT IT; the time he judged Audrina for just wanting to kiss him; the time he made Audrina feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with him even though he knew she'd been GANG-RAPED; the time he threatened he'd leave Audrina if she didn't have sex with him, even though he still knew she'd been GANG-RAPED; the time he had an affair with Audrina's cousin/half-sister and blamed Audrina for his douchiness because she wouldn't have sex with him, even though she'd been GANG-RAPED; the time he may or may not have tried to kill Audrina... What a catch.

So, who would you pash, pick and pass? It's hard, I know, coz they're all SO desirable.

I promise next week the options will be much more swoon-worthy.