Audiobook Review: True Strength by Kevin Sorbo, Narrated by Kevin Sorbo and Sam Sorbo

Look at this smug git! Ugh.

This is the first book I have ever returned because it was so damn bad. That's the upside of Audible - if you don't like an audiobook you've just listened to, you can exchange it for a credit. And it felt oh-so-satisfying to select "I didn't like this book" and hit return.

It. Was. Terrible. I went in thinking I'd get a nice nostalgia hit, having been obsessed with Hercules growing up, as well as learn a thing or two perhaps about resilience through Kevin Sorbo's medical issues, which I hadn't been aware of before.

Resilience, ha! He spent the whole book raging against everything and everyone. Whyyyyy has this happened to him? Don't you know who he is, God?! HE'S HERCULES HE'S PERFECT HE DOESN'T GET SICK?! He actually seems to have believed that he was Hercules in some way. Perhaps it was because of his Herculean ego. This guy is so far up himself he comes out the other side. It oozes from ever sentence. He just thinks he's so damn wonderful.

Through the whole book he keeps on going on about his great sense of humour. He uses example after example of his "sarcastic jokes". Really? He's just being an asshole. And that's when he thinks he's actually being endearing! The rest of the time he's an outright asshole. He gets angry at the doctors, his wife, his colleagues, everyone. Now, I can understand being angry and frustrated when people can't tell you what's wrong with you (believe me, I know), but he spends 80 per cent of the book that way. Towards the end he states how he learned to accept his situation and he's not angry anymore... well, you could have fooled me, Kev! I honestly don't know how his wife put up with him. He just seems like such a selfish human being.

Sam Sorbo, his wife, actually narrates a few chapters herself, telling her perspective on things - mainly how gorgeous and amazing she thinks he is. Every time either of them recounts something about their love story it is so incredibly cringe-worthy. It was like they were saying, "ha, we were so clever, we were so flirty and edgy with each other" but what I was hearing was "CHEESY CHEESY CHEESY WITH EXTRA CHEESE ICKINESS."

Hmmm what else... oh yeah, Kevin Sorbo is a terrible actor. He tries to do accents for various foreign people in the book, including Italian, Kiwi, Australian and Chinese. It is so horrendous it is bloody offensive.

I could go on and on but I feel like I'm starting to resemble Kevin Sorbo too much and just raging against the world here. The only way I finished this book was by listening to it on 3x speed. And it still took too long. It actually makes me sad because I have such fond memories of Hercules...

Rating: 1/5
That's being generous.

Mini Reviews: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me, Bonjour Cherie, Hold Me Down Hard and Ripped

Is Everyone Hanging Out With Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling
I cannot love Mindy Kaling more after reading this book. She is like a combination of much more awesome version of myself and my ideal best friend. Seriously, I related SO MUCH to everything in her hilarious and engaging memoir. I loved learning more about her life and her path to success, and adored the way it was written. It was like a series of anecdotes you'd tell a friend. Which is why, of course, I am now best friends with Mindy. She just doesn't know it yet.
Rating: 4.5/5

Bonjour Cherie by Robin Thomas (Source: Netgalley)
This was a short, easy-to-read, fun novella about a girl who is obsessed with all things French and the Australian guy she's attracted to but who doesn't meet her strict criteria for a boyfriend (top of the list being someone who is French). Beth, the main character, annoyed me a fair bit, especially how she really didn't have her shit together but acted like she did, and totally judged others for not being up to her standards. She was quite superficial, especially at the beginning. But I quite liked Zach, the love interest, even if certain aspects of his story were completely predictable. It was enjoyable enough overall.
Rating: 3/5

Hold Me Down Hard by Cathryn Fox (Source: Netgalley)
This was so terrible. The characters were completely unbelievable caricatures, there was no chemistry between the main pair, the guy was a paternalistic ickcanoe, the small amount of plot was pretty ridiculous, and it wasn't even hot. Now, I'm not overly familiar with romance books in general and BDSM in particular, but from reading this book I got the impression it was written by someone who wanted to cash in on the trend and be all EDGY without any knowledge of it themselves. It was too bad to even laugh at.
Rating: 1/5



Ripped by Sarah Morgan (Source: Netgalley)
This novella was a lot more fun. It starts with Hayley being embarrassed at her ex's wedding when her hideous bridesmaid's dress tears during the ceremony. Nico, the best man, rescues her but also seems to be angry at her for some reason. She thinks he hates her but they somehow end up making out anyway. They have good chemistry and I liked seeing their relationship play out. Nico was actually pretty damn hot and not overprotective and douchey. One of the reasons he's attracted to Hayley is her intelligence and passion about her job. Yay for modern men.
Rating: 3.5/5

Review: Lost Cat by Caroline Paul, Illustrated by Wendy MacNaughton

At the risk of getting kicked off the internet, I have a confession to make: I'm not a cat person. I mean, they're cute and all, and I'm sure they make great pets... for other people. But I prefer the loyal adoration of dogs over the hot-and-cold independence of cats. That's just me.

What drew me to Lost Cat was the possibility of finding out what pets do when their owners aren't around. In humorous, touching anecdotes and adorable and clever illustrations, Lost Cat reveals how the author, Caroline, dealt with the disappearance and reappearance of her cat and the feelings of loss, betrayal and hope that went along with it. It also explores her depression as a result of an injury and also her grief over another type of loss. It sounds like heavy stuff, and there are some very sad moments, but more than anything it's a funny, heartwarming tale. I think this comes down to the first-person, conversational language. Caroline isn't afraid to poke fun of herself and her outrageous behaviour - like using spycams and GPS to track her "cheating" cat. Her affection for her little family is also incredibly clear, and the feelings of betrayal at the disappearance of her cat, the grief over the loss of another, and the ultimate acceptance that a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do, are beautifully rendered.

Lost Cat is a quick and enjoyable read, and the illustrations, drawn by Caroline's partner Wendy, really enhance the story. I liked Wendy's inclusion in the story - she wasn't a cat person, either - until Caroline converted her. I'm still not quite converted into wanting to actually own a cat, but I was nevertheless affected by this story. A pet is a pet at the end of the day, and no matter what animal it is, the love and affection you feel for them is the same. They are with us for such a short period of time and it makes you think WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES - until you remember that they create more awesomeness in 10 years than some people create in 100. That, more than anything, is what Lost Cat is about.

Rating: 3.5/5

Fine Print
Published: 2013, Bloomsbury
Source: Netgalley
Get It: Book Depository

Related
And now for a cat gif party, because reasons...

OK, I may be a little bit converted.

Review: Red Dust Road by Jackie Kay (Audiobook)

Before attending the Sydney Writers' Festival earlier this year, I had never head of Scottish poet and author Jackie Kay. But I had time between the events I had planned on going to and decided to go along to her Q&A session, because I was interested in the subject matter of how the imagination helps us to cope in distressing situations. The session began with her reading from her new collection of short stories, Reality, Reality. I was immediately blown away by the story itself and her delivery of it. There was so much heart and humour in both. After the reading, Kay answered questions from both the facilitator and the audience. I came away in awe of not just her talent but her spirit - she radiated joy, compassion and wisdom. This was especially the case when discussing her memoir, Red Dust Road, the story of her search for her birth parents. I came away desperately wanting to read it - as did everyone else, apparently, because by the time I got to the bookshop downstairs it had sold out! I bought Trumpet instead with the intention to get Red Dust Road down the track, if I actually enjoyed Kay's writing as much as I enjoyed listening to her talk.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and Audible.com ran a free trial that allowed the download of one audiobook. Remembering that Jackie Kay narrated the audiobook of Red Dust Road herself, I was eager to check it out. I didn't even finish listening to the sample before I downloaded it. I had to stop myself from listening to the whole thing immediately, because I had committed to reading nothing but Netgalley this month. But a couple of nights later I found myself lying awake at 2am and decided to try listening to Red Dust Road to switch my mind off. An hour later I realised my sleep strategy hadn't worked, because I was too engaged with the story and actually wanted to stay awake to keep listening!

This was my first audiobook and I think it was a great place to start. I found it hard to put down. It was such a delight. Kay's narration is wonderful - engaging, dramatic, humorous and all the more meaningful because this is her story. She relates anecdotes as if she's talking to a friend, and it's incredibly touching. The language she uses is evocative and lovely. In fact, that was one downside of an audiobook - there were several quotes I would have underlined and reread repeatedly if I had a physical copy in front of me. It was just such gorgeous writing.

Another small downside of the audiobook, although perhaps it would have felt this way with a physical book, was that it was hard at times to keep track of when events were happening. It's told in a non-linear way, jumping back and forth between decades, and so it was a little bit confusing in places. On the plus side, this did enhance the conversational nature of the book, with scenes flowing naturally and not necessarily chronologically, just as they do when you hear anecdotes from someone in real life.

As for the story itself, I found Kay's search for her birth parents, and her mixed feelings about it, to be quite fascinating. The way she describes her Nigerian birth father in particular is colourful and quite hilarious. His treatment of her - and to an extent, her birth mother's reaction to her - are obviously and understandably sources of some pain. But she is able to find humour, joy and even beauty in every situation. It reinforced my impression that she's a remarkable woman.

And no wonder. Her parents - the Scottish couple who adopted her - are clearly remarkable people, too. I loved that a big part of the book is dedicated to them and their love for Kay - and hers for them. She seems to have inherited her delightful humour from them, with many of their interactions making me laugh out loud, but there were also times when I felt myself getting all misty-eyed due to the things they said or did. One instance that sticks out is when Kay's mother, upon hearing that someone told the young Jackie to be thankful she was adopted by her parents, insisted, "No, Jackie, don't ever let anyone tell you that you should be grateful. It is WE who are grateful."

Red Dust Road is a beautiful tale of family and what makes us who we are. It is about belonging and love and grief and identity. It is about an extraordinary woman from an extraordinary family, full of warmth and humour and love. It is not only one of my favourite books of the year - it's probably up there with my favourite of all time.

Rating: 5/5

Related
Here is a clip of Kay reading from Red Dust Road, telling the story of her religious, Nigerian birth father quizzing her on her sex life.

Fine Print  
Published: 2011, Whole Story Audiobooks
Get It: Audible

If You Ask Me (And Of Course You Won't) by Betty White

Obligatory name-dropping moment: I picked up this book when I met Betty Freaking White in New York. The fiance and I were just doing the tourist thing, wandering around Barnes and Noble on Fifth Avenue one day, when I saw a sign stating she'd be there for a book signing the next day. I can't remember what we'd had planned for that day, but we (I) pretty much canceled those plans immediately. As a massive Golden Girls and Betty fan, I couldn't miss this opportunity to meet her. So we got down there early the next morning to get a good spot in the line. We went to the front of the store and saw that the line went right around the corner. So we followed it... and kept on following it... and kept on following. It reached around the whole block.

Even I was hesitant at that point. We were only in New York for a week - did we really want to spend half a day in a line? My fiance wasn't overly enthused, but after weighing it up I thought, when else am I going to get the chance to meet Betty Freaking White?! The fiance, bless him, agreed, and diligantly held our spot in the line while I ran into the store to buy If You Ask Me. I rejoined him half an hour later. He'd moved forward about 10 metres. We waited another half an hour and crept forward inch by inch. The fiance spotted a sports store and went shopping, while I progressed another 10 metres. After an hour and half, we finally neared the corner of the store, not too far from the entrance. Staff came out and warned that we might not get to meet Betty as she'd have to leave soon. My heart sunk. We decided to stick around, just in case - we'd waited this long, after all. We got closer and closer to the door. The manager came out and said they were only letting five more people in. I was number six.

There I stood, at the front of the line, 25 years old and about to burst into tears because I was going to miss out on meeting Betty White. All of a sudden, the manager turned around and said, "Ok, you, and you can go in". Me?! ME can go in?! I raced through the door before she changed her mind, the fiance in tow... and we joined another line. Another 20 minutes later, I finally got a glimpse of Betty. We were told to have our books open to the right page and not to ask for pictures, because she had to leave. My turn came, and the loud-mouthed guy in front of me wouldn't stop talking to Betty. They tried to push him away three times before he finally left. I wanted to thump him in the head with my book but all I could do was stare. At Betty. During the two-and-a-half hour wait I'd thought of about 267 things I wanted to say to her. In the end all I managed was a manic "OHMYGOD-I-LOVE-YOU-SO-MUCH". She smiled, said, "Thank you so much for coming to see me, today. I appreciate it SO much." We had a connection. And then I was moved along.

My lovely fiance hung back so he could sneakily snap a few pictures of my moment with Betty....

So close...

Betty is RIGHT THERE, I swear. And I wanted to punch that guy next to me really, really hard.

The Betty Effect.

Anyway, if you're still here after my rambling, you're awesome, and you're also going to finally get to hear what I actually thought of the book. I read it in a couple of hours yesterday. It's a super easy read, but I have to say I was slightly disappointed. I haven't read any of Betty's previous books so I don't know what they contain, but this one gave very little insight into her or her life. It seems to have been written more for people who are already fans of Betty; there's the assumption that you already know her story, her career, her love of animals, and this is just a series of anecdotes about what's been going on with her lately. Like catching up with an old friend. The tone is very conversational, and each chapter jumps from topic to topic with no segue.

It's a lot of fun - just not quite as hilarious or insightful as I anticipated. There were a few highlights for me, like the fact that Betty has a room that keeps her up at night - you know, that room where you just dump things and plan to organise "one day". It makes me feel better about my own semi-hoarding that Betty Freaking White does it too. Her passing reflections on being the last Golden Girl and the loss of her husband, Allen, and her dear pets, are touching and poignant. You finish the book, if not more in touch with the "real" Betty, at least more in awe of her energy, enthusiasm, humour and positivity. She's still going strong - let's hope she stays that way for years to come!

Rating: 3.5/5

Sassi Sam Review: The Maid's Tale by Rose Plummer with Tom Quinn

I've long been an admirer of Sassi Sam's girlie, fun website, so when she asked me if I'd like do book reviews for her I jumped at the chance quicker than, um, something that jumps really quickly (Kangaroos? Tigger? I digress...). My first review for Sassi Sam is now up - check it out if, y'know, you want to. It's a review of The Maid's Tale by Rose Plummer and Tom Quinn, which I highly recommend for Downton Abbey fans. BTW, what I didn't mention in the review is that the book involves tales of old-school vibrators, spitting on cutlery to clean it, and ladies who walked around with bird poop on their shoulders all the time. Fun times!