Tuesday 8 November 2011

Pash, Pick or Pass: V.C. Andrews, a.k.a. The Best of the Worst

Time to play Pash, Pick or Pass - a game where we pick from a random book trio and say who we'd pash (and dash), who we'd pick for a relationship and who we'd pass on all together.

The Contenders
This week, for a bit of craziness fun, I'm going back to my tween reading years and revisiting some of V.C. Andrews' heroes (I use the term loosely). For pictures, I'm using the actors I imagined when I first read the books (yep, I've always done the "casting" thing, and yep, I remember who I pictured, probably because it kinda tainted the actors for a long time for me).

Christopher "I accidentally forced myself on you" Dollanganger from the Dollanganger series
Notable Quote: "As the man, and the head of this family, let it be known hitherto that I am to be waited on hand and foot - the same as a king. Wife, as my inferior, and my slave, set the table, dish out the food, make ready for your lord and master." - Flowers in the Attic

Jimmy "Thank god you're not my sister coz now we can bone" Longchamp from the Cutler series
Notable Quote: "I used to wish you weren't my sister... I thought you were so pretty, I wished you could be my girlfriend. You were always after me to choose this friend of yours or that to be my girlfriend, but I didn't want anybody else but you." - Dawn

 Arden "If you loved me you'd bang me" Lowe from My Sweet Audrina
Notable Quote: OK, so sadly I don't own My Sweet Audrina and couldn't find any quotes on the interwebz, so this paraphrasing comes courtesy of Forever Young Adult, but it pretty much sums up Arden... “Well, I didn’t do it before now because you seem not to enjoy it when I ram my half-flaccid dick into your dry vagina.”

My Choices
After writing out our boys' profiles and actually thinking this through, I gotta say I'm kicking myself for making these three the options this week. Why did I do this?! It seemed like a good (read: hilarious) idea at the time. But actually contemplating any of these three as anything but pass-worthy? Blerck. OK, I'll do my best. Please don't judge me. I don't actually want to pash or pick any of them, and never would unless perhaps my life depended on it. Which they might enjoy, coz they all have kinda rapey tendencies.

Pash: Oh god oh god oh god... um... Christopher. I guess. Because he's pretty. And has a sorta justifiable reason for being so messed up, what with the emotional and physical abuse and all. Not that it excuses any of his nasty/weird/creepy actions. But comparatively speaking (I'm looking at you, Arden Lowe), he's alright.

Pick: Oh god oh dear oh this is so gross... er... Jimmy. He's sort of sweet, if you ignore the fact that he lusted after his sister, who might have turned out to not be his sister, but who he STILL THOUGHT WAS HIS SISTER. But I wouldn't be his sister, so maybe it'd be OK. Although it also means he probably wouldn't be interested in me. Whatevs.

Pass: ARDEN LOWE. Phew, that was an easy one. He may not have had incestuous feelings like the other two, but he is just such a douche. Some douchey highlights include the time he watched Audrina being gang-raped and DID NOTHING ABOUT IT; the time he judged Audrina for just wanting to kiss him; the time he made Audrina feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with him even though he knew she'd been GANG-RAPED; the time he threatened he'd leave Audrina if she didn't have sex with him, even though he still knew she'd been GANG-RAPED; the time he had an affair with Audrina's cousin/half-sister and blamed Audrina for his douchiness because she wouldn't have sex with him, even though she'd been GANG-RAPED; the time he may or may not have tried to kill Audrina... What a catch.

So, who would you pash, pick and pass? It's hard, I know, coz they're all SO desirable.

I promise next week the options will be much more swoon-worthy.


  1. This is the first time I'm reading a Pash Pick Pass. and hum....ok. haha
    The only books of V. Andrews I read was The DeBeers family. the guys were pretty messed-up too.

  2. Hah! This made me laugh so much. Can you pass on all 3? To be fair, I've never read Dawn, so I don't know Jimmy, but I'm familiar with the other two and if he's anything like them... One thing to add to Arden's crimes is that he slept with Audrina's cousin/half-sister while Audrina was in a COMA and how he basically acted like her little sister had the Plague rather than a disability.

  3. Haha, I might pass on these, too! The only VC Andrews I've read was Flowers in the Attic, and I'm still scarred!

  4. Oh man, all three of these were like my favorite books when I was a young teen (ew, what the heck were WE reading?) - I love this feature and I'd have to agree, none of them are worthy of an actual pick. Still, they sure made fun boys to read and NOT fantasize about (even though I'm pretty sure at the time I did). I may just have to read all three of these over again...just to be sure.

    BTW, did you read the Heaven series? It was by far my favorite. I seem to remember liking Logan pretty well...whatcha think?

  5. WTF? I didn't know that Andrews fixation on incest ran over to other series. Yuck. Adren sounds like the scum of the earth.

    I have to agree with Shelley's comments. I loved the Dollanganger series when I was growing up, though I tried to read it again recently and couldn't make it past page one. LOL

  6. @NeuroHormone - I haven't read the DeBeers series but I'm yet to meet an Andrews boy (or girl) who isn't messed up.

    @TG - How could I leave out the coma affair?! Urg. The worst part is I do vaguely remember finding Arden attractive when I was 11. Thank goodness I grew out of it.

    @Stephanie - It gets so much worse. haha!

    @Shelleybean - I know, I was obsessed with Andrews back in the day. And I think I liked more than one of the guys. I don't know what was wrong with me! Thank goodness it doesn't seem to have done any permanent damage. I haven't read the Heaven series, I might have to check it out to see if Logan is any beter than the others ;-)

    @Missie - Oh yeah. It shows up again. And again and again. And again. To be fair, Virginia Andrews only wrote the Dollanganger and Heaven series herself, plus My Sweet Audrina - the rest were written by a ghostwriter following the formula established in Flowers in the Attic. Creepy.

  7. Yeah the only good VCA males are Troy Tatterton and Jory, even if Troy was suicidal and unstable and Jory was boring and borderline gay

    Oh Arden, don't even get me started on my tween hatred for Arden!

    And Jimmy was ten times more creepier than Chris, at least Chris had a semi reasonable excuse for lusting after his sister(he sadly had no internet porn nor even Playboy :'( ), but Jimmy he had none, Jimmy had a billion other lusting girls to freely be with, it wasn't like he was locked in an attic with no porn for four years, WTF Jimmy?

  8. @Jules - I don't think I've met Troy, I did have a soft spot for Jory - I felt soooo bad for him. Poor guy.

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